BOHEMIAN HALL & BEER GARDEN

29-19 24th Avenue

Astoria, New York 11102

(718) 274-4925

It's hard to believe that the last time I went to Bohemian Hall, it was with Bro five years ago. Bohemian Hall used to be the only reason anyone would go to Queens. At the turn of the last century, dozens of beer gardens like this dotted the landscape of the city as central and eastern Europeans came to the States for work, bringing this part of their culture with them. While beer gardens have had a resurgence here in the past few years (every fall I do an Oktoberfest round-up), this is the last of the originals. Now, Astoria has become the place to live for Millenials who can't afford Manhattan and for whom the Brooklyn brand isn't worth getting mugged over.

I arrived here around 5ish on a Saturday with Mr. Dogz and Doc, and, I regret to say, was immediately a little let down. In my head, the memories of my previous excursions to Bohemian Hall were subdued. Yeah, there were people in their 20s and 30s here, but it seemed more relaxed back then. My memory/fantasy was an orderly, tree-shaded place where folks who wanted to eat Czech food and drink too much before the sun even considered setting could go and chill and talk and talk and chill and talk. This was more like a kegger. On one table stood a guy, plastic cup in hand - (ahem, I repeat... PLASTIC CUP!!!) - screaming out a toast. Hoots and hollers followed. The staff, what few of them there were (very few) wore bright, neon green t-shirts with "staff" written on them like they were working at a spring break cruise out of Cancun. I didn't mind that every table was full. I did mind that when we did find a place to put our drinks down, it was on a table sponsored by Red Bull. Really? Red Bull? I guess Joose was being stingy with the swag on branding day. 

Am I being harsh? Maybe. No. Actually, I'm not. Bohemian Hall is the last original beer garden. It's supposed to be old fashioned. There are plenty of places people can go and drink Jaegerbombs and Coors Light from a red solo. Bohemian Hall should be trumpeting its vintage, because that's the unique thing it brings to the table, instead of becoming some haven for people who just want to woot and drink Jaegerbombs... sigh. Well, I'm glad the kids were having fun. That made me feel nice. Anyway. The food.

Eastern Europe is not known for making the most gourmet dishes in Christendom. I would know. The random collection of my ancestors on one side transitioned from serfdom to a more amiable life of perpetual squalor and on the other side traded fending off Cossacks to fending off Nazis. When you're as poor as dirt and everything in your life is one flush away from being sucked into the grand muck-pit of history, and dinner is your reward for having survived the day, you eat comfort food. And so it is with the dinner here. It was decent, and hearty, and if you think that it's even remotely healthy you should be laughed out of the room. It's the kind of food that's admittedly a little dull, but it also somehow isn't the kind of thing that eating every day would drive you crazy. You can't say that about fois gras or artisinal flatbread or frisee salad. In attempting to eat something somewhat unique, I refused to have the chicken caesar salad wrap or the cheese fries, two items that belong in a sports bar that caters to sorority sisters and the pledges that they refused to admit.

Doc ordered the Potato Pierogies and asked for the Sauerkraut. The pierogies were steamed, an unfortunate, but acceptable flaw given that they were very, very good. Light, smooth, and sweet. If you don't know what a pierogie is, for shame. They're mashed potato inside of a dumpling shell. Some polish spots downtown have a dozen flavors, but potato is the classic. Doc is, unfortunately for her boyfriend Dogz, who has to deal with this disability of hers every day, a vegetarian and, lo and behold, the sauerkraut, which we were told was a vegetarian side dish, has bacon in it! I love it. Vegetarianism in Eastern Europe has a completely different meaning. "Is it more vegetable than meat? Yes? Vegetarian!" I grabbed a bite before she flagged down the neon-green-shirted waiter and got it swapped with the Red Cabbage, which she and Dogz said was fantastic.

Dogz ordered the Classic Beef Ghoulash, beef, roasted until it was white-bread tender, served with Czech dumplings (which looks like white bread) and under a soup of gravy. It's like ordering an edible sponge. I ordered the Svikova, which is almost the exact same dish, except that the gravy was a vegetable gravy instead of a beef gravy. Both were good but not jaw dropping good. They were the kind of food that you could eat in a small inn during a winter storm, in a town you don't know the name of, in a room with almost no heat and poor lighting, while drinking a barrel sized glass of sweet dark beer, next to a fireplace. These were not summer dishes is my point. Truly, I could have both of these again, but I won't remember to, because they are so thoroughly forgettable. That's maybe the essence of comfort food. Perfect for eating over and over again because it made so little impression on you the first time that you didn't commit the experience to memory. You just remember feeling content and warm. 

Nothing was expensive. Beer was $6 and each dish was $13. If nothing else, it would behoove Bohemian Hall to hire more staff. Four people (two waiters, two people to bring the food and collect plates) for what appeared to be about five hundred people isn't enough.