e a t e r y R O W

CAFE GRUMPY
224 West 20th Street
New York, NY 10011
(212) 255-5511

I happened to be walking through Manhattan and I happened to bump into Speeds. She happened to be on her way to getting a coffee. Cafe Grumpy happened to be her destination. I happen to be addicted to coffee.

Cafe Grumpy is one of those ubiquitous indie, anti-chain coffee shops I mentioned in my recent post on Jack's Stir Brew. Hipsters behind the counter pound out shot after shot of finely brewed espresso, foam up mug after piping hot mug of cappuccino, and serve calorie after calorie of chocolate chip cookie.

I'm not sure why it's called Cafe Grumpy, since most of the people here seemed to be in a pretty chipper mood. Grumpy was packed and usually is. So maybe it refers to all those people who couldn't sit down or were joining me in receiving an errant elbow right in the small of their back. Still, we lucked out and managed to sit down where we could imbibe on caffeine and baked goods. We would not do this peacefully. Grumpy is loud. The staff is yelling orders, the customers are yelling at each other to save tables, there's music... Oh, and no laptops allowed. Get in, get out. Write your poetry somewhere else.

So the atmosphere could use an overhaul. What about the joe and the grub? I mean, that's half the reason we're here, right? The other half being to bullshit around with your friends. Speeds ordered a Cappuccino and I ordered the Macchiato. Both, we concurred, we good for what they were, which is coffee with some added punch, but I really can't say they were terribly different from what we could have gotten at another cafe. They leave you feeling a little bit dry, but Grumpy provides water for those who would like some. A nice touch. For some solid accompaniment, we ordered a Blackberry Banana Muffin, which was not bad, and a Zucchini Raspberry Chocolate Chip Muffin. I bought this never expecting it to taste anything but awful. And it was, in fact, not awful. There was a hint of zucchini, but barely. I don't think it added anything though, save vitamins. My only complaint with the muffins was that their contents weren't even. So some bites were all berry and others were all dough.

Don't be grumpy. Every day is ice cream and chocolate cake. Cafe Grumpy also has a location in Greenpoint, Brooklyn.

MARRAKESH
235 East 53rd Street
New York, NY 10022
(646) 837-0501

Marrakesh is a small, family-run business that in my first sentence, I will recommend to you. It sits below street level in Midtown, surrounded by expensive, trendy places and yet it is neither expensive nor trendy. It's just good. I am writing this posting, which will not be long, to highlight this little place's existence and make a few pointers on how to improve it.

I went here for a quick dinner with Turtle one night a few weeks back. Walking down the stairs and inside, we were greeted warmly by someone who I can only guess was the owner. He sat us down, gave us some menus, and poured us some water. Marrakesh is run by devout Muslims, so don't expect to get sauced here. Just some sittin' and talkin'. Go upstairs and you'll see a wine bar if need be.

Clearly, the vast majority of their business is takeout. Aside from the fact that a delivery guy was coming and going as we ate, our menus at the table were the takeout menu. Is that a bit tacky and, daresay, cheap? Yes. First thing they could do to improve, print up some dine-in menus. There were few other tables occupied, but it began to get more crowded as the night wore on. While it was obvious that no one was consulted regarding interior design, everything was decorated in a very appropriate, homey-mid-eastern sort of way.

The food. Okay, my biggest complaint with the menu was not what we actually ate, but was the Americanization of half of it. Caesar salad, greek salad, California wraps, barbecue chicken, fajitas, a "health" sandwich, pasta primavera, egg salad, an apple smoked turkey and brie sandwich... the list goes on. Half the menu isn't Middle Eastern. Obviously this is so that the office workers who order lunch from here can get something for everyone. I understand the economics. I still don't like it.

Turtle ordered the Chicken Kebab plate, which came with grilled chicken, rice, and a choice of two sides. He ordered the hummus and babaghannoush. The chicken was delicious, but a wee bit dry. The hummus and babaghannoush was great. I say that and I've had a lot to compare it to. My dinner was the Shish Kebab, which was lamb, a salad, rice, and two sides. I chose the falafel and the grape leaves. The falafel was good, not spectacular. The grape leaves were very good. The lamb was excellent. Turtle preferred my dish over his.

I labeled Marrakesh as "vegetarian" because of the numerous vegetarian options that it has, though, naturally, it is not exclusively vegetarian. Our meals were $13 each and with a soda, plus tax and tip, we probably dropped about $20 each. With a few improvements, Marrakesh could be vastly improved. The people who work there were very nice, the atmosphere was very pleasant, the food was very good.

CRUMBS
321 Amsterdam Avenue
New York, NY 10023
(212) 712-9800

New York is a pizza town and a burger town and a hot dog town and a coffee town… and in the last decade, it’s also become a cupcake town. Probably because it goes so well with the coffee (apparently not the burgers, though). Cupcakes have been popping up across our fair city like toadstools. Delicious, frosting-coated, sugary, sprinkle-laden toadstools that won’t get you high.

Crumbs is probably the most successful of the cupcakeries to come out of the Big Apple. Actually, it’s definitely the most successful, having expanded from the Upper West Side to about a dozen other NY locations and three other states. Indeed, with five more locations on the way, it’s spreading like chicken pox.

While local places only have to cater to the taste of their immediate clientele, chains have the habit of doing one of three things in order to be successful to a wide range of tastes. One, the limit their expansion to the same clientele who just so happen to live in a different city (Waffle House, Smith & Wollensky). Two, to expand their customer base, but at the expense of watering down the real flavor of the food, they dilute the menu to appeal to everyone (P.F. Chang's). Three, they expand the menu beyond the point of reason to cater to any possible person who could conceivably show up (TGIFridays). It appears that Crumbs has picked option one. Thank heaven.

The first thing I’m going to say is that my priority is the cupcake. Cookies and scones are nice, but, like Tic Tacs, they’re impulse-buy items. I have not yet meet anyone who goes “Oh, we simply MUST get the cookies for our party from Crumbs.” …and from the garish displays from their kiosk at the 2008 Emmy's party, neither have they.

Since Crumbs started on the Upper West Side, I decided to head north. Mr. Dogz, who lives nearby, agreed to sample their fare. For the record, I have never before this trip tried Crumbs. We tried four varieties, as you can see above. First, the Chocolate with Chocolate Frosting and the Vanilla with Vanilla Frosting. I was pleasantly surprised. I had predicted that expansion would be diluting, but I was wrong. The vanilla on vanilla was light and sweet, and, I thought, perfect. Mr. Dogz, who by his own admission, is not a big fan of non-chocolate cake, paid them a compliment, but moved on to the chocolate on chocolate, which was his favorite. I, on the other hand, tend not to like the chocolate cakes. Nevertheless, this particular cupcake was very (very) good. We also tried two specialty cupcakes, which were far larger than the regular ones (and more expensive), the Oreo Cookie, and the Baba Booey. The Baba Booey is chocolate cake topped with chocolate frosting, vanilla frosting and peanut butter chips with a cream inside. Tacky kitch name aside (one of a few such options here) it was actually pretty good, albeit heavy. The worst of them was the Oreo cookie cupcake which was simply far too heavy, far too sugary, and way too big. I think that the world needs to take a diet from Oreo themed non-Oreo products. Oreo ice cream, cereal, cakes, coffee flavorings... anyway.

So! Crumbs gets my vote for managing not to let chaindom water down its bakeryicity. Kudos. But if I start seeing their cupcakes being sold at gas stations next to Krispie Kreme doughnuts, I plan to revise that statement.

247 South First Street
Brooklyn NY, 11211
(718) 218-8047

I went to Rye for the booze. No beating around the bush, I was tired of cheap beer served cheaply. I wanted a cocktail. It just so happened that this cocktail craving hit me at just about the same time that my dinner hunger pangs did. Going to Rye, a restaurant with a mixologist's drink menu, was a no-brainer. I asked Bro if he wanted in, he said yes, and it was on like a prawn that yawns at dawn.

Rye is a dark place. So dark that I'm apologizing in advance for the quality of my photos. In retrospect, the lack of lighting should not have surprised me. After all, it's run by the people who run DuMont, a restaurant that's just slightly better lit than the inside of a cave. Unlike DuMont, there's no signage, so you risk walking past it as though it was never there. Inside, most of the tables are lined up on a long bench seat just past the hostess. It's pretty tight and hardly quiet (...this was not helped by the obnoxiously loud guy at the table next to me whose voice was not unlike being stabbed repeatedly in the ears by a large squawking robot). Larger tables for bigger groups are in the middle. All of the staff, from the hostess to the waitress to the guy with the mohawk filling water glasses, were extremely friendly. Do them a favor; don't be a dick and pour the candle wax on the table.

Bro and I each immediately ordered something to drink. I also ordered a little something from their "snack" menu. And when I say little, I do not exaggerate. I tried the Crab Croquette (singular), which was a fried, golf ball sized sphere of crab with pesto and greens. I won't recommend it because there just wasn't enough flavor. It wasn't bad, but it could have been better. It was almost like a ball of whitefish with crab essence. For happy juice, I ordered a Classic Old Fashioned (rye whiskey, bitters, sugar, an orange rind, and a giant ice cube for that nice, slow melt). A classic oldie, but a classic goodie. Not too sweet, not too bitter, not too strong, not too weak. It does just about everything right while looking cool in the glass. Bro ordered a South Side, which, with cucumber, mint, lime and soda, is essentially a cucumber mojito. The perfect humid summer night drink.

As a starter, I ordered the Duck Confit served over a bed of gnocchi and mushrooms. Initially, I wasn't too impressed. Duck is one of the fattiest birds out there, and duck confit is usually cooked until it's pretty crispy, draining out the fat. But here the duck was not so crispy, leaving the bird on the greasy side. Despite being put off at first, it grew on me. The duck was tender and the fat mixed with the gnocchi and vegetables very well. By the end, I wished that there was more of it. Bro tried Rye's Mac and Cheese. He liked it, as did I. It was baked with a breadcrumb crust and, unlike so may other baked mac and cheeses I've had, was moist through and through with no crusty dry spots on the top. It was also a pretty large appetizer. A bit larger and it could have been a small entree.

Bro's dinner was the Marinated Quail. After telling me it was delicious he plunked a meaty wing down on my plate. It was served atop a small cornbread muffin and small cabbage-raisin salad that he found too vinegary and did not much care for. The quail was tender and the flame grilling left a delicious, smokey, spotted charring. My entree was the Pan Roasted Halibut with asparagus, string beans and fava beans in a rich butter sauce. The halibut was very soft and very tender, but all of its flavor was from the heavy butter glazing and vegetables that it was served with. Don't get me wrong, I'd order it again, but this fish could not possibly stand on it own.

Neither Bro nor I were terribly blown away by the dessert menu, so we ordered more drinks. I tried the Greater Antilles, an allspice-infused rum drink with ginger beer and a twist of lime. Bro found it too bitter. I did not. It started bitter, I grant, but ended sweet. Bro opted for the Jack Rose, certainly a sweeter alternative, made from applejack (distilled hard cider) and grenadine. I found it too sweet. Bro found it perfect. But I guess it was dessert, after all. Rye also has an extensive list of whiskeys, as the name might imply, and other liquors you can order straight up.

Four cocktails, one snack, two appetizers and two entrees, plus tax and tip came to $130. If you avoid the cocktails, you could cut the price by almost half... but why would you do such a thing?

EGG
135 North 5th Street
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 302-5151

I was sitting in a Queens coffee shop this past hangman's day, listening to the slow melodies of Pink Floyd's entire Wall album humming from the speaker behind me when I got that feeling once again. I can't explain it, but I checked my Facebook suggestion box to find a recommendation for Egg. I've been looking for an excuse to eat in Brooklyn for a while and my girlfriendless self immediately called Bro. "Let's get dinner in Williamsburg." His enthusiastic reply of "Why?" was as good a yes as I was gonna get.

These days, restaurants get extra credit and a gold star sticker with a smiley face on their homework for using locally grown, sustainable sources of produce and milk. Egg, which owns its own six-acre farm in midstate NY, embodies this new trend towards quasi-green consumerism. It's a comfort food place, serving down home goodies like cornbread, biscuits, and fried chicken. A mix of Southern country bumpkin with Brooklyn urban chic.

Egg itself sits smack in the middle of hipster heaven. Restaurants, indie shops, and people way more cool than I am and with way more tattoos are everywhere like ants at a picnic. Decked out in the barest of essentials, Egg is a conscious rejection of style (which makes it a conscious version of style). The floors are painted concrete, the walls are bare, the food is served plainly and without flair. There isn't even a sign outside that says "Egg". The tables are simple and you sit on wooden "Terje" folding chairs from Ikea. It somewhat reminded me of eating in the dining hall of the the YMCA camp my junior high school would send us to every year.

Bro and I took a seat, ordered some Dogfish Head Raison d'Etre, and set about looking at the menu. While we pondered, a mug of hot boiled peanuts appeared in front of us instead of bread. I ate one and stopped. How anyone can eat this is beyond me. "I'll pay for your whole dinner if you finish the mug." I offered Bro. "No, " came the rebuke. "It's not worth it." We did, however, split an order of Hush Puppies as a starter, deep fried cornmeal balls with a horseradish dipping sauce. These were very good, but heavy.



Bro's entree was the Brunswick Stew. Chicken, pork, corn, lima beans, and tomato over a big honkin' piece o' cornbread. I'm not entirely sure how one goes about describing a stew (it was sufficiently moist?) but Bro and I both liked it. Cornbread made up the majority of that which was in the bowl, but it was good cornbread. I ordered the Fried Chicken, served with a biscuit and lima beans. Bro tried it and the first thing he said was "kicks the crap out of KFC." I want to agree, but I can't. Simply put, it was far far far too salty. Tender and flaky and perfectly prepared, but salty to the point where I didn't even bother finishing it. There's an episode of The Simpsons where Homer compliments Marge on her pork chops and she responds "the secret ingredient is salt". If the Colonel uses eleven herbs and spices, Egg uses Marge's secret ingredient.




For dessert, my pick was the Chocolate Chess Cake. This is basically a brownie in a pie shell. Very tasty, and because no one eats brownies without ice cream, two scoops of vanilla ice cream came with it. There was salt sprinkled on top (?) but this time the salt worked. Bro ordered the Key Lime Pie, which was one of the best key lime pies I've had in a while. In other words, it tasted real, as opposed to one of those fluorescent green things too many restaurants try to pass off as key lime. My only complaint was that it was a bit too sour, but that's where the coffee came. French-pressed coffee.

One small dish, two entrees, three beers, two desserts, two coffees, tax and tip was $86 even.

FIVE POINTS
31 Great Jones Street
New York, NY 10012
(212) 253-5700

In retrospect, there was no good excuse to go to Five Points. It was too expensive. I'm bored of dining in Manhattan and have been itching to eat in Brooklyn. Dining out with Speeds instead of a date meant that this expensive diversion wasn't going to end my continuous waltz with singledom. Did I mention that it was too expensive? But damn if it wasn't good. (I guess it also gave me some OpenTable points.)

Five Points sits in NoHo, a cross between the conspicuous excess of the Meatpacking District and the quasi-run down hipster vibe of Williamsburg. So while you might see a brand new, gleaming high-rise multi-million-dollar condo building filled with models having their rent paid by Condé Nast, the very street in front of that building is so pothole-ridden that their investment banker boyfriends wouldn't dream of driving their Maseratis over to pick them up.

Speeds and I took a seat, readjusted our eyes to the price tag, and decided to skip wine in favor of getting solid food. One thing we noticed right away was that the relative age of Five Points customers was considerably older than where we normally get our vittles. Speeds and I were the youngest, by far, of anyone there. As the night wore on, the customers got younger, but they never quite reached our Neilson demographic.

While we pondered the menu, a basket of bread showed up along with a little dish of cole slaw. Just to get this one negative thing out of the way, the cole slaw was pretty bad. Terrible, really. I don't mean to say that it wasn't fresh. It was simply too vinegary and too sharp, yet was virtually tasteless. Basically, it was vinegary pickled cabbage. If I were to make one recommendation to the restaurant, it would be that they shelve this particular dish.

My appetizer was the Local Green Garlic Soup, a brothy, green-vegetable soup with big chunks of garlic, asparagus, shallots, beans and dusted with Parmesan cheese. It's a great soup, but it's big and filling and has enough garlic to melt Nosferatu. Speeds is allergic to garlic (and onions) so this was not a dish that she could form an opinion on. She instead ordered Wood Oven Roasted Mussels and Seared Montauk Squid in a tomato wine sauce. One thing that she didn't initially like was that it was too spicy, with an almost burned taste. But over time, it grew on her. It grew until she started not only enjoying it, but began pushing me to have it too. Of course, this might have been that it, like the soup, was a massive dish for an appetizer. We could have shared it (and did) and we could not finish it.

My entree was the Wood Oven Roasted Golden Spotted Tile Fish with Yukon potatoes, grilled scallions, and salsa verde. This was a light fish, very tender, and cooked to the point just before becoming flaky (which is usually the point of becoming dry). It was delicious. Speeds ordered the Wood Oven Roasted Buttermilk Chicken with roast thumbelina carrots (fat baby carrots to you plebeians). Normally, this dish would also come with garlic mashed potatoes, but with her allergies, she asked for the Yukon potatoes instead. At first, Speeds was not very enthusiastic about Five Points. We spent a long time talking about the merits of each dish on the menu. What about this one? What about that one? In truth, she settled on the chicken after the combo one-two punch of indecision and pressure from me. But after that first bite, she spent the better part of the rest of our meal making "oh my God, this is so good" mini-comments. Now that her tastebuds have had a few dozen orgasms, she can't wait to return.

On a roll from the great apps and great entrees, we ordered dessert. Speeds went with the Rhubarb Crostata with vanilla gelato a la mode. Good, but not something that I would make a part of my regular dessert diet. The bittersweet rhubarb was a nice change from apple or cherry, but the crust was a bit too dry. Hence, the vanilla gelato was a necessary accompaniment. My choice was the Butterscotch Pot de Creme, a creamy butterscotch dessert akin to a whipped butterscotch mousse. Extremely light and sweet, served with fresh whipped cream and peanut butter cookies. I didn't think much of the cookies, but the dessert itself has got to be one of the best I have ever had. And I say ever. It was the kind of dessert that you choose to eat extra slowly because you know that there's such a finite amount of it. Once it was gone, I felt a little sad.